my snobby self!

I just decided today that I'm ready to be in a relationship again...now to find the guy that (to quote Sex in the City) 'will love the me that I love.' I'm not going to rush into anything but I'm officially 100% over my ex. It's a little sad because he once was my world but it's more liberating then anything else. So on too the next chapter in my life, post-grad, single, working and living on my own...it seems FABULOUS to me!

What caused this sudden realization one might ask? well, I stumbled across his blog and he had gloomy entry after gloomy entry all talking about this woman who broke his heart and I didn't care. Call me cold or heartless but I don't know if they entries were about me, we broke up around June and he might have been with other girls that broke his heart. I thought, so much drama, I'm not like that, I don't want to be like that and I know I'm so much better off now.

The bottomline is I have found myself in Lewisville and myself is happy, silly and not the pitiful me I was last year. I want to be this me forever! So if guys don't like the me I am they won't date me, big deal. I'm a freakin' catch and I know it and someday I'll meet someone just as much as a catch as me! hehe

white screen of death

Yesterday morning my Mac suffered the white screen of death. After the panic, tears and reality of my hard drives problems, I first missed Erick for practical reasons, he is a Mac Tech, he configured my computer, he could fix it. But After 24 of freaking out and talking to my brother for help and tech support I learned, I don't even need him to fix my computer. Though it sucks I lost everything, I no longer have those files he made named "erick" on my computer anymore. He now officially exist no where in my life, and I love that! I am 100% free, even my computer is free, though it still needs some TLC from me. I do not need a man to fix my problems for me...it would have been helpful, don't get me wrong, but I can do even the computer stuff without help beyond tech support and my techie-brother.

I have to express myself, by using another person's words to speak for my life...Here! This is what I want to say to my ex who continues to write me, telling me he misses me and such. Except, it turns out, I am stronger and I'm not going to get hurt by him again.

one hard week

This week was the loneliest one I've had since I moved here, the only human interaction I got was from a sells person, and the staff here, I got very few phone calls from non-family and during this already hard week, Erick contacted me wanting me back. I was honest in telling him I did not want him back and didn't want to talk to him but as the loneliness set in and the week continued on I missed being wanted, not by him but in general. I love my apartment, I love that every aspect of it is mine, the decor, scent, cleanliness, everything it mine, I love this freedom. That said, it's lonely sometimes. My friends are busy with work and school, my family isn't all that close and I don't have a car here yet so I'm stuck a lot of the time to my own thoughts. During a lonely week where my ex has contacted me, that is the last thing I want to be alone with.

Since the break up in June I had maybe cry in pain once, this week was like a mini roller coaster of sadness all over again. I loved him but not more then I love myself, and that is who I was losing over the time of our relationship. I cried nearly daily and was always stress. Now, I've cried three times this week and have seen how lonely I really am, it sucks.

pros and cons

I don't have time to blog right now, I'm moving into my VERY OWN apartment in 6 days! I just finished my summer II class on Wednesday, I got an A! And now I am moving. In this summer I've reflected a lot, I was living my life for other people and this summer I thought about what is truly important to me and living independently is important to me.

I'm scared, I'm not going to lie. I am scared. Money worries me, not knowing people, finding a job, getting lost in a new place, it all scares me. But it's time that I face these fears and live my life for me. I will miss being close to my mom, I have so much fun hanging out with my mom on Saturday mornings. I'll miss my puppy, Allan is my baby and I love him so much. I'll miss my dad, we got to know each other a lot better this summer, I'm glad that we did. I'll miss being with my friends in the dorm whenever and having "smoke breaks" with them.

All the sadness and worries aside, I am so excited to have my own place! I love the layout, I love that it is my place. I picked it and I'm doing what I what think is best for me right now. I'm living close to my friends, on my own and in an apartment that just feels right. I'm thrilled! 6 days!

I'm Moving!

I will have my very own apartment in two weeks! I am sooo excited. I have my bathroom decor completed, now I just need a loveseat, microwave and some throw pillows and I'm set. I am the happiness girl in the world today! I love love love my apartment and it's mine, all mine! This is the right thing for me, I just know it. I'm living close to the office, which as a single gal living alone of the first time, it's an added bonus.

I am so happy. I feel very cofident in this move!

on my mind today.

I have no doubt in my mind that Erick will be dating some else soon enough. When we were breaking up he thought I was being mean saying that, he just seems to need relationships all the time, i saw that when I met him and breaking up meant he'll be with one new girl or dream about MANY women now. He will soon be meeting once again "the love of his life" no doubt and talk about future and happily ever after again. He can be charming. It hurts a little but I guess some people NEED relationships all the time. I've never been like that. I love being in a good relationship but I'm not going to chase after every guy I see hoping there's a "we" in the future, I honestly do not care about that at the moment.

I can be and have been in the past, happily single. I really am over Erick which I thought would take more time...I was wrong in a good way! Now I just want to finish my summer classes, and move back by my friends, it's lonely here. In the last month I've made up for past wrongs that happened because I allow someone else to influence me so much, started driving, found apartments to look into, started volunteer work and found the deeply buried self-love that had been missing for nearly a year. And now I'm feeling happy again! HAPPY!! Now I it's time for me to move forward with my life, taking in all the life lessons learned from another heart break and just focus on being me without a we. It's due time that I focus on me! I want to focus on my driving, moving, last semester with my friends, finding a job, and continuing on with any therapy I feel I need, not what ANYONE else says I do, I want to focus on becoming the person I know I can be.

NEVER AGAIN!

Erick and I had been fighting continuously since March until we broke up at the end of May. He told me he loved me, that we could still have the future we had planned but we just needed time apart while I (JUST ME) went to therapy and worked on myself.

We ended as friends, still emailing, texting and calling eachother. We even hung out twice, both times were filled with him playing with my hair, telling me that he loves me, holding my hand, kissing my neck and hugging my tightly...when I tried to kiss him back he got upset and yelled that we were just friends, what was I doing? I was very hurt, lonely, and confused. The man I thought I was going to marry flirting with other girls in front of me (online) the day after he and I were holding and flirting with each other!

This is where my hurt and pain changed to jealously and a lot of thinking about what I REALLY want. I thought about Erick and I's relationship, the side I didn't tell anyone, I wanted everyone to like Erick and think we were perfect together (which many people at school did). I thought about the fighting...we started fighting terribly last July!

We had our first HUGE fight two weeks in, but I was already in love and let it go...I let all the name calling, guilt-trips, blame and controlling actions go for nearly a year thinking it was my fault and after my therapy it would be better. I'm ashamed that I allowed someone to have so much power over me, I stopped talking to soooo many people because of his jealousy and gentle way of control. It took so long to see! I thought I was stronger then to allow someone to control hurt me for me long.

Now, I'm not going to pretend like I did nothing wrong or that I have no blame here. I know I did tons of things and said tons of things during those frequent fights to destroy us. In the end though, I'm seeing my mistakes, not just his. I'm seeing the whole relationship, not just the days we were not fighting. We HONESTLY fought about once a week the entire time we were together! I cried nearly everyday he and I spoke because I believed I was so bad and I was lucky that he was with me. NEVER AGAIN!

Short but clear.

Once my happily ever after now a huge asshole! We can't be friends.

what I've lost

In the past week I've lost the man I love, My brother, my best friend and my mind. I feel crazy and tense so often. I feel anger that I can't shake away. I'm at my all time low and there is only myself to blame. I hate this feeling inside of me. I feel so alone and beyond sad. I wish people would see I need help but all they see is my anger.

over but the end

We officially broke up last night. We want to remain friends, keep in touch and be selfish with my therapy and self-work so that maybe with time we can be a we again!

waiting

I don't know what is happening in my relationship with Erick. I miss the us that us soo in love with each other that a day apart was torture; I've been back in San Antonio for five days and have yet to see Erick. What happened to us? I love Erick still. I hate the way we fight, and I don't know if we're meant to be but I do know that we've had some great times together and I can't bring myself to believe they are over.

I can't wait to see what will become of the relationship that has been the center of my lives focus for the last 10 months. I wonder if Erick will be okay with just dating me again, dating, that's all. Get to know each other again and see if we are as compatible as we remember being at one point in time. It hurts not knowing the where we are but I don't want to rush him, I think us cooling down completely and calming to think about us clearly, I just miss him.

I want nothing more than to hug Erick again and have him look in my eyes the way he used to...I don't know if I'll every see that look again. I'm not sure of many things in this life, but I sure that I love Erick.

the end...

Every time I had a negative blog I deleted it, I didn't want to keep a record of the bad times, only the good. Now that seems pointless, I still remember the hurt, the anger, the mean words, the leaving because I didn't think we were right for each other and then going back time and time again hoping we were.

I love Erick, and at this point in time I kinda hate that fact. It would be easier to see this drift and distances if I didn't care. I don't know how to stop this seemingly pending destruction of the love I've waited all my love for.

And now I'm doubting if he really is this love I've wanted for so long, I mean, Erick is a wonderful man but he takes a long time to forgive (he brings up the past into current fights, things I thought we'd resolved), he can be closeminded (he HATES smoking, and drinking and calls those who drink all "drunkers") and can be totally antisocial. I'm not the most social person but I like dancing and being with my friends, I like playing games with my family. He NEVER wants another dog again, because he loves his dog now and doesn't want to replace him, I get that but it's not a replacement, it's an addition. I really think he acts like a child some times. He's VERY sensitive and emotional...it makes me seem cold and harsh some times because he'll get pouty over something (a word I said or something) and then that's it, the whole day is ruined.

I need someone that is caring and understanding without being overly emotional. I honestly feel like the "man" some times because he is so dramatic with his wording and so quick to cry. I have cried more in the last 10 months then in my entire life...I don't want my forever to be filled with tears.

Maybe I am to harsh for him. Maybe I mock him when he cries. These were early signs that we shouldn't be together. The question now is how long do our tears last from here. Are we are breaking up, or can people change. Some of these current bothers aren't relationship ending but the crying and negatively communication or none at all needs to be fixed if this will work.

I honestly don't know what I want. I go from thinking about all the fighting, blame, hanging up and name calling and I think it's over. Then I think about the way he looks over at me and makes my heart melt, he carries me to bed when I fall asleep on the couch, random candy shopping and all the little smiles that are burned in my memory around the catogory of the man I love. I love the way he would dance in the store with me and laugh and let me play with hair in the car. I don't want to lose all the happiness that may still be there, I've just been far away. But I don't want to keep fighting the same fights and crying myself asleep.

Basking

All my thoughts, politics, school, money, facebook, every thought I have turns to Erick, and I love that.

I was reading a article about President Obama's plans for the year, from there I began to think about Erick voting for the first time this year, us celebrating on the phone together when Obama was elected and Erick and I watching together as Barack Obama became President of the US.

I was looking at one of my courses online a few minutes ago and I remembered the technology problems I had with my site two days ago and talking to Erick listening to his expertes. He's so smart and kind...I love him so much.Wow see what I mean, everything leads to me swooning over my love.

I was thinking about the money I have in my account and then I started wondering if I had enough to buy the flight to be with Erick for Spring Break now, or should I wait on it. I began thinking about if I have enough to get Erick gifts and spoil him like he spoils me.

I logged on to facebook and one of my friends was bragging about the numbers she got this last weekend and I smiled thinking I'm so glad I have my love, I'm past childish games, in true meaningful and lasting love!

Erick makes me so happy. Hearing his voice makes me giddy, seeing him causes me to swoon and being in the safety of his arms I melt.

Winter break part 2

On New Year's day Erick and I were lazy most of the day and then went to my parent's house to play games and eat. We hung out there for a couple of hours, Erick met some people I've known forever. After most people leave we played train dominos, which I'm usually terrible at but this time I did while, and only cheated a little! We left sleepily and spent more time together.

On that friday we went to the First Friday art galleries, it was small and we were both hungry so we didn't stay long. We ran into the person that introduced us and disapproved there, in a very smug way I'm glad Erick and I were there together over 6 months into a loving relationship she didn't think would happen at all (not to mention looking hot)! Take that! hehe. We left First Friday after not being there too long to get some food. We got steak, yum...I love steak (so long as there is A1 sauce!) at outback and then went to the movies together. A wonderful date night!

That monday was going to be Erick first day back at work after two glorious weeks off. Around 2:30am I woke-up doubled over in pain. I flipped and flopped around on the bed. I paced around the room. I went to the bathroom. Laid down in the bathroom. Anything to stop the pain!! Around 4am Erick woke-up and asked me what was wrong. I really didn't want to wake him...he needed to go to work, I thought, so I was planning on waiting until 6am to call my dad (who didn't have work) and have him take in to the hospital. Poor Erick, he was just wanted to help and I was groochy and mean. Just before 6am I called my parents then Erick and I set off for their house (because I left all my ID and everything in Denton, I needed them to prove my identity). As soon as Erick and I arrived at my parents house my parents had me get in there car and we went to the ER. I only had to wait about 20 mins. and I was in a room, hooked up to an IV and on some happy painkillers!

I was at the ER for about 4 hours I left two IV bags, and one cat scan later. I had kidney stones paired with a kidney infection. My parernts took me back to their house to relax for a while. That afternoon I went home to Erick and apologized for my jerkiness in the morning. Erick ended up missing work that day to be there when I got back and to keep updated while I was in the hosptial. I went to bed freakishly early that night and slept most of the next day too. Kidney stones are no fun, dispite what you've heard.

The next few days I got to run a greet Erick when he got home! Jump into his arms and cuddle with him at night. All and all the winter break was wonderful, I could of done without the kidney infection and stones but, still a great visit home! I look forward to when I don't have to leave home again.

Stop expecting perfection

My wonderful boyfriend shared insight with me that is helping me see that if I don't say something when I thought it, or say the wrong thing and miss the "perfect" opportunity to make it better, I can still improve things. Improving relationships with others and being happy with myself does not have a schedule, no matter what I have thought in the past. So often I have let fights go out of control because I messed up, said the wrong thing and somehow, couldn't see how to fix it. I just need to back up my thoughts and actions, breath and see I can still fix this. I can be "better then my mistakes" which I so often think I am not, because if I can learn and actualize that there is no perfect way or time to act or speak up then I will see the options other then fighting. What a glorious thought, there is no schedule to improve things--if I miss what my mind dims the "perfect" chance, all is NOT lost...I can change things for the better.

I feel like a load has been lifted, Erick unknowingly lifted years of missed chances, big and small off my back. I said things I didn't mean and I can fix them still. I am better then my mistakes. I have felt so down on myself, feeling like I had nothing to offer but my negative traits, but if I can fix my worst moments in time, the meanest things I've said then I must be more then my mistakes...I'm striving to improve. I'm a work in progress.

After getting off the phone with Erick, I thought about missed chances or things I could still improve. My brother and I have not been speaking to each other and though I know the reasons behind our current situation are not all my fault, I know I said mean things, yelled and cussed at my brother that did not help improve anything. I sent a text to my brother to apology for my role in this fight but also informed him that I was not ready to speak to him. He accepted my apology and then wrote how not talking to me hurts more. I know talking to him now would not be good for either of us. I'm glad I made my peace with my role in this all and hope to one day to make peace with the pain he caused me.

Erick unknowingly has helped me view life differently. There are no time limits to say something nice or take back hurtful things. Now my addition to Erick's words is to also not have expectations in others. I apologized to my brother, he did not apology back but maybe he needs more time, maybe he doesn't see his mistakes. No matter his reasons, though his words deeply affected me, I can get pass them by not basing my worth on what he said or thinks about me. I can't expect someone to know what I know just because, I know it (confusing?). I mean, I know I can fix the past now, but if my brother can not see that for whatever reasons, I can let go and not give in to frustration.

I'm learning that I can grow from mistakes and improve in the future by giving up the idea that I can't fix something right after I say something and that if I miss my chance to be kind in my mind, I need to realize the "chance to be kind" was in my mind, and do or say kind things at that moment. This blog may not make sense to anyone else but it really has helped me. So often I expect myself to say the right things at the right times, if I miss this "right" chances, I give up. Not anymore. Life does not have to be overwhelming. I just need to breath and remember to stop expecting perfection and fix mistakes when I see them.

Wow!

Thank you so much My love!

My winter break part 1

The break started out with Erick picking me up after my last final and driving me, not to my parent's house (where I stayed last year during my breaks), but to the appartment he got a week before my arrival! The appartment allowed us to wake-up next to eachother and truly be together. It was so wonderful to have our own christmas tree, our own space, and the chance to feel truly at home together. Erick gave me a key to the appartment, it's pink and black!

The downside was I left my wallet in denton so I had no money, ID, credit cards or debit cards for six weeks. My parents luckily owed me money and Erick helped me a lot! I had finished most of my christmas shopping before going home so that wasn't too much of an issue. It was wonderful going shopping with Erick, spending entire days together doing anything is magical with him by my side. I think I went to Best Buy more during this break then I had in my life before the break began. We went at least once a week and sometimes more! One of our shopping days (after going to Best Buy, hehe) Erick surprised me and took me to see Bolt in 3-D...it was so cute and I love that Erick is sweet without trying to be, it's just natural to him, I'm so lucky!

Christmas eve with Erick was great, it was a year of first for both of us. It was Erick's first time going carolling, when he went with my family, and it was my first time meeting a lot of Erick's extended family, I met about 50-ish of his relatives on Christmas eve! The day was exuasting! And christmas at my parent's house starts early, we crashed.

Christmas day was great we woke-up super-early and opened the presents we had for eachother under our little tree, got dressed and then it was off to christmas with my parents at 8am! We ate breakfast with my family and then it was off to Erick's parent's for Christmas there. It was awesome spending time with both families but after the last night and then early morning, we decided against the dinner and wanted some peace and quiet!

Being lazy with Erick is so much fun! He'd sleep in later then me but he'd usually get me to lay back with him agaain, it wasn't too hard of a sell, he'd ask me to join him in bed, I'd jump in next to him so we could cuddle. I'm lucky enough to have a man that loves cuddling!! he had the week of Christmas and the week of new year's off, so we had a lot of cuddle time and wonderfully-lazy time! New Year's eve was great, just Erick and I, no parties, no drinking, no clubs, it was intimate and perfect!

For the post-new year stuff that will be another entry, my eyes are hurting and what better place to stop for the night then "perfect!"

There isn't one.