FRUITLOOPS!

I'm having a hard time thinking of a title that isn't the "F" word in all caps or "Go F-yourself"...that describes where I am best. I'm fine with the swears, especially for usages in self-expression but since my nephews are such great readers I think I shouldn't put them in bold as a title, even if that's what I'm thinking, loudly.

I called the number my Mom gave me a month ago to find a counselor, I got some names, have to call them and then call the other number again to tell them who I've picked and then set up my appointment from there. It took me a month to make that one call...two more seems insane! I know it's just a phone call, that's easy but it's not. It's so frustrating! I just want to be myself again, I'm so sick of this bullshit.

 I'm a walking talking contradiction, I know what needs to be done, I see how silly I've been but I feel like I can't move. I feel so fucking (sorry boys) annoyed with myself. I'm ashamed of things I'd done, said, as well as inactions. I feel like fear has controlled so much of my life that now I don't recognize myself. I used to be a hoot, now...not so much. I try so hard to be happy...it used to come easy, what happened to me? Where did I go? This sucks so much.

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming...

I'm working on what I know is an uphill battle and itself 100% internal. As much as I'd love to displace my blame the bottom line is I am the one facing my depression and anxieties head-on and it would do no good to blame anyone. I wake-up and have to just jump into the day otherwise I sink so easily. It now takes quite a bit to make me happy when I used smile and laugh all the time...I think. I honestly don't fully remember pre-depression me, my whole world is gray and black, nothing is wonderfully exciting but some things are terrible and bring thoughts of less pleasant things into my head.

I'm starting my counseling very soon and I'm hopeful. I want to be capable of true happiness again, I don't think I am or have been in years and if so I don't remember what it feels like. I have the goals of what I want out of my sessions in mind, I'm hoping I can be me again.

Question to the Universe...

Why is it that the only guys that show any interest in me are married or are in relationships? I'm not even remotely flattered by that. I find cheating to be disgusting and would never-ever knowingly play a role in an affair. Seriously, why am I attracting these guys? I hate it! I've liked a guy that is nothing like any of the guys that keep appearing out of the blue. I don't know what the future of my love-life may turn out to be but I do know that none of these guys confessing now have any real role in my future.