FRUITLOOPS!

I'm having a hard time thinking of a title that isn't the "F" word in all caps or "Go F-yourself"...that describes where I am best. I'm fine with the swears, especially for usages in self-expression but since my nephews are such great readers I think I shouldn't put them in bold as a title, even if that's what I'm thinking, loudly.

I called the number my Mom gave me a month ago to find a counselor, I got some names, have to call them and then call the other number again to tell them who I've picked and then set up my appointment from there. It took me a month to make that one call...two more seems insane! I know it's just a phone call, that's easy but it's not. It's so frustrating! I just want to be myself again, I'm so sick of this bullshit.

 I'm a walking talking contradiction, I know what needs to be done, I see how silly I've been but I feel like I can't move. I feel so fucking (sorry boys) annoyed with myself. I'm ashamed of things I'd done, said, as well as inactions. I feel like fear has controlled so much of my life that now I don't recognize myself. I used to be a hoot, now...not so much. I try so hard to be happy...it used to come easy, what happened to me? Where did I go? This sucks so much.