The truth is I am sad.

The worst year I've had is ending in a horrible way: I'll be working a walmart 'til 9 Christmas eve, walk home in the cold and then be 100% alone. My parents aren't coming. The only thing I wanted was to see my mom, I've been so sad lately, I need a Mom-hug. I don't smile as much (I've been told) because I don't have anything to smile about...I have nothing. The year started out pretty bad, got a little better and then has been on a steady decline after the four or so job rejection. This is my life; lonely, empty, and meaningless.

I'm so sick of this damn year! 2011 can't come fast enough.

A picture

I love these kiddos. My two nephews and my niece.

She's so big now, this picture was taken 6 months ago.

My Wish

I wish to find a better job with a better pay.

I'd like to be happy again too more often, like I have been in the past.

That's about it.

stress

Currently my main stress is my crappy job with it's crappy pay. I barely am getting by and sometimes feel like I'm drowning not just in debt but in life. I feel like I have nothing. I'm feel like I'm a failure. This has been a stress that has been eating me inside for a long time and keeping me up at night.

Allan

Allan is my baby. He was born June 2nd, 1997 and joined our family July 15th, 1997. It was love at first sight, right when I saw him I sat on the floor to hold him. I miss him very much living away from home but he was too old to move from the only home he has known.

When he was less than a year old.

Last year, 12 years old and still looking adorable.

Mi Familia

This is from Thanksgiving 2009 and my Dad is missing.

What's Playing?!

1) Paramore- Misery Business

2) Tom Jones- Keep On Smiling (that's right.)

3) Missy Higgins- Scar

4) Beyonce- Single Ladies

5) Eminem- Kill You

6) Kilo Riley- Pictures of Success

7) Pink- Bad Influence

8) Kelly Clarkson- If I Can't Have You

9) Plain White T's- 1,2,3,4

10) The Hush Sound- Boys are too Refined

(my 11th is Beatles- All My loving)

I'm shocked none of my musicals came up (Chicago, Phantom of The Opera, Wicked, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, some Rent...)

Things I've learned

I was raised to think I had the truth was no need to question beyond the books provided. Since then I have learned it's very important to thoroughly research in all aspects of life.

I have learned that true friends will not just be there to share in the highs but will help you make it through the lowest of lows.

I have learned that family comes first, no one will ever break that and if they try, they aren't for me.

I have learned that it's okay to cry but not to let the tears cloud my vision and slow me down, I need to keep moving forward.

I have learned that being open-minded to all all people's views doesn't mean mine are any weaker, it just is important to understand differences to better understand why people are the way they are.

I have learned I am beautiful, it's taken me years to believe that but, I love myself very much now inside and out.

My Favorite Vacation.

Though I remember only pieces because I was turning 5 while on this vacation, I loved going to Disney Land with my family and visiting my Grandma and Grandpa Lucas in California.

At Disney Land I was to little to ride most the rides but I remember riding the Dumbo ride over and over (I loved Dumbo!), I rode Mister Toad's Wild Ride...that one was pretty scary, The Haunted Mansion and that's all the rides I remember. I remember being very sad that I wasn't big enough for the rides my brother and sister went on. Also I remember getting sang to by a quartet at Disney, they sang Happy Birthday to me, I remember feeling very shy when they were singing in public, around strangers to me. I fell asleep in the evening and was woken-up to Tinkerbell flying across the sky at night.

At my grandparents house I remember being chased and chasing chickens with my brother and sister, petting my grandpa's dog and mostly watching Charlotte's Web with my grandma. I remember her sitting next to me on the couch and laughing with the movie with me. That is my only memory of my grandma and I treasure it. It's because of my time with my grandparents that this vacation is still my favorite, I loved my grandma and Grandpa very much. Later in his life my Grandpa moved in with my parents and that is when I got to know him. I only had this one shot with my very ill grandma and I'm glad it was such a great memory.

My Favorite City

I haven't been many places so my favorite city isn't one I've been to yet. I just love Italy, I always have, namely Venice. I want to see Venice even though I've heard the water smells, the city looks so beautiful.

How can someone not be in love with this city? I will go to Venice Italy one day.

Pictures of me over time (and hair colors)

This is me as a baby, mustache and all, I was 6 months old.

I was 8 when my siblings and I were in the newspaper.

Now my recent history of hair colors:

My current is the black hair, this picture was taken last week.

I had this dark-red color around March 2010.

This was my Graduation look, Dec. 2009

I had the pink hair my first semester at UNT 2007.

I think I had this red in 2008...I love it!

Nicknames.

My nicknames? The nicknames of m friends? How about both.

Mine: Jenni, Jen, SCOTT!, ex-wife, Olive, sexy? <--(wishful thinking mayhaps)

Others: Moist, Moistness, Moist-ass, Fanny Bandit, Fanny, Zilla, DrewZilla, Vamp, Sug, Cheesus, Oliver, Gretrude, Cuddlin' roommate and Ex-wife. (and these are all for only 4 people!)

something(s) I miss

~ I miss my dog, he lives in San antonio still with my parents. I miss cuddling up on the couch with my baby and him warming my leg.

~ I miss shopping with my mom. Waking up early and just spending a morning talking and shopping together.

~ I miss having money in my bank account, it's been a very long time since I've had money but I miss being able to go out with my friends, and buy christmas presents.

~ I miss being able to hang out with Misti, Mark, Drew and Kristen all the time that first year at UNT.

~ I miss going to Sea World with Ashley, hitting the beer tasting and then the roller-coasters.

~ I missing playing outside, or even seeing kids play outside...it seems like it's been ages since kids actually played.

Something I regret.

I have few regrets, and all are similar. I have said very mean, hurtful things to people I love in anger and I will forever regret those words.

I have made tons of mistakes, cut out friends I shouldn't, gave chances to people that don't deserve them and acted recklessly but I learned from those mistakes and don't "regret" them.

But with the mean, hurtful words, I've tried to learn and It's been years but I hate that the anger exist in me at all, ever. I wish I could have learned that lesson without hurting people I love.

Something I look forward too

I'm going to have to put three (short term, unknown term and long term):

Short term: I look forward to seeing my parents this weekend, I haven't seen them since July!

Unknown term: I look forward to getting a new/better job and quitting Walmart and celebrating not being at walmart with my friends.

Long term: I look forward to being in a relationship and in love. (totally cheesy I know but I'm a cheesy gal).

Dream House.

In the boring reality my dream house is one that's paid for and mine in a good neighborhood near a city. But for the more fantastical "dream" aspect I found pictures of houses I dig. I art and interesting shapes so naturally these houses are ones I find artistic and whimsically stunning!

This is my first choice, the beautiful wood, the balconies, the shape...stunning!

(below) I love the huge windows, interesting shapes and colors in this house.

(below) This one I love the huge porch and balcony. Very different from the other two but that's me, I like a wide range.

My favorite bible verses

Note: this are all REAL bible verses so please don't get offended for my liking the contradictions and things that to me proof that this is just a book, a pretty bloody and boring one at that.

Jesus' last words were what?: (Matt., Luke and John accounts) I remember learning all of these and never thought wait those are all different!

Matthew 27: 46

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Luke 23: 46

And when Jesus had cried with a loud voice, he said, Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit: and having said thus, he gave up the ghost.

John 19: 30

When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.

Women's place: (so only through having babies I woman is saved?...nice.)

1 Timothy 2:11-15

Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing.

Only 6 commandents?:

Matthew 19:17-19

. . . if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Mark 10:19

Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness,Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother.

Luke 18: 20

Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother. (that's it, FIVE.)

Intolerance is taught:

Romans 16:17

Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.

God creates evil:

Isaiah 45: 7

I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.

Hating family and self is good?:

Luke 14: 26

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and If brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

The bible really is a good book, if one likes books that don't make any logical sense or have a point and still having a large following. Seems silly to me. Why not just "treat people with respect." no need for a book or religion to waste money on to tell you that.

I love this picture!

This is my favorite picture of my Grandpa Lucas and my nephews. I miss my Grandpa so much, I'm so glad that he lived with us the last few years of his life, I didn't know him well before he moved in. I learned he was a such a funny, smart, kind, open-minded and gentle man. He ran cold, like me, so his room was always the warmest in the house. He'd come back from Costco with a huge smile, carrying a pie saying "Jenni needs this." and he and I would have big slices of pie. My Grandpa ate chocolate all the time, even more then I eat.

My Grandpa Lucas with Ryan and Noah (Dec. 2005)

GOOOOOOAAALS! ( my goals)

I have many goals, long term and short term, but I'm only going to write the ones I feel are the most important on each list. My short are all ones I'm working on now and hope to accomplish all within the next couple of months. The long ones vary from after the short-term ones are met to within/throughout my lifetime.

Short-term Goals:

~ Find a job with hours and the isn't Walmart.

~ Quit Walmart and burn my badge.

~ Co-host a great/ fun filled Christmas party.

~ See my family, somehow at Christmas.

~ Take a driving program and get my license at long last.

Long-term Goals:

~ Get and maintain a more financially stable life through a better income, saving and not more spending.

~ Get car of my very own!

~ Learn more about the world to continuously be a better more open-minded and well rounded person.

~ Be more open to the possibilities of love without jumping into any relationship (be smart and patient).

~ When the right man, relationship and time in life come around; settle down and get married.

~ Continuously strive for self improvement.

What I Believe...

My beliefs have evolved as I've gained more knowledge and experience but the basics that make me who I am have changed very little.

~I believe in science and questioning "truths" told to you and doing research to find answers about the world we live in.

~I believe people are mostly good; everyone has the capability to be evil but I still believe in basic human kindness.

~I believe in love, deep passionate and all-encompassing love. I doubt it from time to time but I still believe.

~I believe a person is never to old to play, laugh and be flat-out silly.

~I believe in "miracles" but not as in the divine intervention sense; but other people can work small "miracles" by being a good friend, neighbor, family member and perfect stranger.

~I believe we should be respectful and kind to people not because a God tells us to but because we are all sharing this human-experience together, we are everything to one another.

~I believe no one is ever to old or too knowledgeable to be open to learning something new.

~I believe nurture over nature. That nature sets limits that with the right nurturing are able to be surpassed.

~I believe 100% beech wood sheets from Bed Bath and Beyond are the greatest sheets ever and worth every dime. (not very deep but my belief nonetheless)

~I believe in being truly open-minded and strive to be more understanding everyday.

~I believe it is important to ask questions and truly seek the answers, even the answer could be scary. Life unquestioned and unexamined is no life at all.

~I believe the most important thing in life is self discovery and self love (without it you cannot appreciate or love another).

Favorite T.V. shows

Most of these shows are not on anymore, and some that are on channels I have never had. Nevertheless: I love Sex in the City (not the movies), Dexter (never have had Showtime so I'm a season behind), Arrested Development (witty, smart and cancelled show), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (It's so irreverent and offensive), Will & Grace (light-hearted, sweet comedy).

I like other shows to...I love me some television.

My two main fears.

My fears, a little deeper then some may like so early.

It may seem odd and maybe a bit to real for people that pretend life is all roses but I see the possibility of failure (I work with people that are educated too and have been at the store for years) and it scares me. I don't want to be stuck with a job I hate, in a tiny apartment, living in debt my whole life. It gets me down some times to think the reality that I could fail, I have not been handed a happily ever after, my future depends on me and me alone and that is scary! I know I'm intelligent and a work harder, I just need to keep up my search.

This fear is one single women who try to be strong and independent are not suppose to admit but I'm afraid I'll never meet "mister right." I have a lot of love to give and though I'm not in a rush to settle down what scares me is wondering if that person exist for me. I have a great family and friends so I know I'm never alone but it would be nice to be loved. I don't "need" a man but I am a loving person and I feel that part of me could be wasted.

COUGARS ASSEMBLE! (My Friends)

These are a few pictures of my awesome friends I met at UNT and why I love it so much up here. The first picture, the "Last Supper" (Me, Misti, Cheesus, Tati, Jessica and Zilla)

Next is gangsta Kristen and I

Playing dress like a hooker and randomly visiting others dorm rooms. (Mark, myself and Misti)

This was my last picture taken whilst I lived at Mozart: Me, Misti and David

I love my fellow cougars and cougar cousins!!

A place I've traveled too

I haven't been very many places thus far in my life but one place I went that I connected too and want to go back is Washington D.C.

The museums, the diversity, the pace of life all moved me. I wish I could have visited every museum, there is so much culture and life in D.C. which just makes my heart skip a beat. I loved walking around in my tennis shoes, pantyhose and business skirt then changing into heels when we reached our destinations. I loved that on a given sidewalk you could be walking next people from several different countries. People from all walks of life are there, working, living and just visiting.

I liked that people walked and rode the Metro everywhere. When I went with the Student Leadership Institute my Freshman year of college we rode those Metro trains all around the city. Looking at pictures of the city and thinking about that trip make me want to go back.

My Favorite Movie

This is Super EASY:

My all time favorite movie is Amelie. If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it, it's about a shy woman that becomes a do-good-er. It's a quirky and sweet feel good movie.

Some honorable mention movies in no order are: Ever After, While You Were Sleeping, White Christmas, Mean Girls, Fight Club, Memento, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and Bridgett Jones' Diary.

Things that make me happy.

These aren't the only things that make me smile but these ones came to mind quickly and some of them may surprise people but I'm not like everyone else.

First is my brownies with my brownie pan:

I love chocolate and baking then this pan was invented, Kristen bought it for me and I was the happiest Jenni in all the land! I also like making cupcakes but brownies are my go to chocolate staple. Next is the only fast food I crave and yet haven't had in nearly a year:

Arby's is my favorite fast food because of the sauce...I think I'm in love with Arby's sauce. I put four packets on one sandwich. Yummy. =P

Next is a should-be-guilty-pleasure-crush but I have no shame:

This drawing of Black Jesus is sooo sexy, I get a big dorky smile on my face every time I see it. I find myself thinking things like "if this was the picture of Jesus I saw growing up, I'd be Christian." and "I could devote my life to worshipping him." Silly things like that, be truly I thing this is a wonderful painting, and Jesus very, very good-looking in it.

Next is a whole season but mostly, my trees:

I love the winter holidays, Christmas, New Years. I

love decorating and most of all I love wrapping presents. If you want to make me smile let me wrap a present or five for you, I take my time and put a lot of love in everything I wrap. From the handmade bows to the patchwork wrapping paper. No two gifts look the same and rarely do I use a bag. I'm going to put up my trees on monday! That makes me happy.

Last but not least is two things covered by one picture:

This depicts the obvious I love, love, LOVE art (painting and museums) and this also represents my joy of dancing in front of my mirror. I'm not the best dancer...I tend to trip over my our feet but dancing makes me smile so I do it pretty often.

Of course my family and friends make me happy but this was just about the things that make me smile not people. And I got to say typing about all this wonderful things made me very happy!

My Siblings

My brother, sister and I have an interesting relationship. We argue, nag each other, annoy each other but we always will be there for each other no matter what. So let me introduce you to Ami Lucas Aaron, Curtis Lucas and myself, Jenni Lucas:

We all are very strong-willed and opinionated so disagreements are bound to happen but we are all extremely different. I'll start with the oldest, my sister Ami.

Ami is like a great friend for me but closer, she has an odd sense of humor (odd in that it's different then mine and my brother's). She has always been very independent and did things her own way, she got married young, now has three children and in attending college. She is very crafty and has smarts in areas of science that boggle my mind. She and I talk about nearly everything. She and I talk to each other almost every day to keep up with her family life and my single job-hating life. She has helped me out quite a bit this past month when I've been so broke. She lets me come over just to hang out and talk when we can, goes to the crazy midnight and 5am shopping with me on Black Friday every year and we have so much fun laughing at the crazy people out so early...including us. I love my sister the great mother and great friend this she is.

Next is my also older Curtis has been counted among my best friends for years. He and I have a similar sense of humor and also a similar anger which means he and I have fought often but the bottom line is we are going to be there for each other. He's always been the smart one in the family. He got his Associates degree, helped me get into school and get the money I needed, went on to get his Bachelor's degree, then his J.D. from Baylor Law, got a job at a prestigious law firm and just yesterday he found out he passed the Texas Bar Exam...he's a real attorney now. I'm proud of my brother!! He loves sports, animals, science, politics, travel, languages, law and making up horribly lame songs. He pushes me to reach me goals and believes in me even when I start losing hope. If have have questions he's answer often is "look it up" and I love that I can do thorough research now because of his lack of giving me answers. I love my brother very much.

My folks!

It turns out I can't find a picture of my parents together or both with me but here they are Ken and Mary Lucas:

I love my Dad. My dad and I are both more quiet then the rest of the family. He and I used to watch the Spurs games together go bowling and attempt to cook and fail.

My Mommy is wonderful and love her very much. She is my sale-shopping buddy, early morning raisers. My mom and I talk to each other at least weekly and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My parents taught me to be confident and strong, they taught me to ask questions and not let anyone else dim my shine. My family is very close I love playing games with my parents and laughing when we're all together.

Our family is not perfect and we don't always see eye-to-eye but I know my parents will always be there for me and I'll be there for them. I love my parents so much!

First Love

The thing I loved more then anything that it changed me forever was the church I grow-up in. I was VERY involved I didn't swear, smoke, drink, drink caffeine, wear tank-tops, date non-Mormons. I wanted to be a missionary, then a wife and a mother, but I lost that love when I was 19 while I was trying to prove my less active friends wrong as they laughed at silly beliefs (which I had never heard of). Needless to say I found what they were mocking and much more to be the beliefs of the church; beliefs which I did not share. It broke my heart to leave but I'm not a person that settles. When I do something I give it my all and I couldn't fake my religion.

I am now a happy Atheist but I have never forgotten my first love.

Challenge post two: Meaning behind my blog

Honestly I began this blog in secret while I was in a rollercoaster relationship. My other blog he knew about and I only wrote about happy-good times when the reality was much different. I named this blog my reality because I decided I would write it all, much of it I have deleted since the relationship is long since over but I have not lied here. This is me, raw and exposed. I'm not always happy or always sad. This was my only place to express my true reality for a period of my life so the title just stuck.

November Day one post: Introduction

Hola and Hello anyone whom may stumble across my blog, my name is Jenni Lucas. I'm now 26 years old.

I have an Associates and a Bachelor's degree which I'm very proud of because I struggled in school so much growing up. I am single and I didn't think I would be at my age but I'm VERY happy and I'm glad I did not settle or compromise my values to be with anyone. In addition...

~I was raised in a very active mormon family and left the church (which I did love completely) when I was 19, I wrote about that already though.

~I went through a long process of trying to figure out who Jenni sans religion was.

~I love learning about every religion now, though I do not believe in any myself I have nothing against other people's hope and belief in something beyond this life.

~I have had 5 surgeries on my legs (I do not count my one oral surgery...there was not even a night in the hospital).

~I'm dyslexic and often misspell, transpose letters and can't sound out words.

~I still believe in true, deep, passionate love, I have not let my past make me jaded...not completely at least.

~being an aunt is GREAT but I'm not sure if I will have kids...maybe I'll change my mind when I'm not broke and single.

~I miss my puppy so much, he lives in San Antonio and I do wish he could be with me.

~I rarely drink soda, I don't like drinking calories, fat and sugar...plus the carbonation gets to me.

~I love dancing and that is one of my key workouts.

~My family and friends mean the world to me and can always make me smile.

~I LOVE baking but often have no one to bake for because I live alone.

~ I love decorating and celebrating Christmas. I have two trees.

~ Someone told me I was a hypocrite for not being Christian and celebrating Christmas, and "expecting gifts" that person hurt me more then they will ever know because it shows how little they know me.

~ I LOVE giving and wrapping presents.

Smooth sailing.

Feels like life has a funny way for working out. I went from no job, to a scam-job then to no job again and now I start work on friday and have a second interview at another place on monday. Also I've decided why look for labels in people, if someone makes me happy that's all that really matters. So I'm not doing of that girly "where is this going" crap, I'm happy, period. I'm open to whatever my life has in-store for me job, family and relationship, all areas are going smoothly at long last.

My niece, Charlotte Elise Aaron was born at 8:18am on wednesday...Cinco de Mayo! She's got cute chubby cheeks and is so calm. I didn't see Ryan but Noah was there and he was so good to his baby sister. I love being an Aunt. My parents are coming up to meet Charlotte this weekend and so I'll see my parents this weekend, I look forward to showing them my couch which is my baby.

On the mental health front I've still got my quirks but I'm pretty sure I know what they are now and where they stem from which is a good start to becoming the best me I can be...as cheesy as that may sound. My anxiety has been defeating me for a while but since I'm learning more about it I can understand what makes me tick and way. Very interesting to me.

Well I'm off to shop for work clothes (I hope they're cheap).

Can't Sleep

Life really hasn't been all roses lately...in fact a lot of things have flat out sucked. I've never felt so poor in my life, I don't have enough in my bank account for two more months of rent and with no job that's a big problem and stresser! I didn't get hired for even the simplest jobs that I could do in my sleep. I have TWO freakin' degrees and can't get hired anywhere...it's pretty disheartening.

I've have been dating again and it's made me sad in a way, I'll explain. I haven't felt chemistry with any other guy. I've met nice guys but no sparks; with my ex the sparks were nearly instant and since I have very limited dating experience I don't know how long or even if sparks happen often. I find myself torn, I do like this guy I've been dating lately, he and I have literally talked until the sun came up, just talking...it's pretty great. But like I said, no spark. So this has been a small stress but money is my BIG one.

Now, I'm awake at 1:30 in the am...ME! I love my sleep, I'm so good at it usually but my mind refuses to stop pacing and so here I am...trying to keep up so I can let my thoughts go free on through my hands...I sound a little crazy.

I miss my dog so much, I was talking about Allan the other day and then going through looking at my pictures of him. I love my baby so much and I hate that he doesn't lay next to me cuddled by my side anymore. I was thinking (instead of sleeping) of how much I want to visit San Antonio and mostly my baby! He would hate it in my little apartment but selfishly, at times like this especially, I wish he was here.

Well My eyes are starting to feel heavy so I'm gonna try to go to sleep again. Wish me luck (though I don't believe in luck) Good Night.

2010, thus far.

Already this year has been one of unexpected ups and downs. In January I became the first of my siblings to buy a couch! I love my little loveseat, plus I got throw pillows too, I'm such an adult...finally.
My first niece, Charlotte, is due in a few weeks and I couldn't be more excited. The baby shower is this weekend, I've got a hot date with Kristen to it.
I got a scam-job and so I'm still looking for a job with hours. Have learned hard lessons that I never thought I would never have to face. I'm now apprehensive and guarded.
I started dating again after getting used to being single me. I love single me, so no matter what I know I'll be fine but I do have a lot of love to give.
I have recently been cleaning like crazy, I don't really know why, I just want my place organized, not spotless but better then it is now.