And so it is

My sister with her family came to visit last week and we had a blast. I feel like my energy level has increased, probably no one would notice the change but I feel it. I feel more awake and I'm wanting to go out again. I went for months where I didn't really want to go anywhere. I'm still not at my goal but I'm actually working towards it now, knowledge is very powerful and knowing why I was so down really has helped me fight it. I still get that stress bubbling in me telling me I'm not worth anything but I can fight that so long has I keep working on me.

I'm just the driving test away from having a license, I'm getting the mental stuff in check now it's time to face the scary financial monsters; I have student loans and whatnot. I don't require myself to be "cured" but I'd like to be moving steadily towards my personal goals. On top of that I have about 15 pounds to lose, I just need to stick with my diet and exercise this time around. I enjoy dancing and I want to improve my energy level so working-out is a must.

Like I've mentioned several times, I like a fella and I don't know what it means or anything but I know that his steadfast amicable and quirky nature is a force for me to "find myself" again. This crush I have could be a mental-ploy to get me moving or it could be genuine feelings either way I'm grateful to have felt a reason (beyond family pressure and internal nagging) to get me back on my feet, working towards a goal. Do I see any future with this crush of mine? Only in my dreams but I'll never know if I don't get me taken care of.

Dysthymia

Now I know how I've felt for nearly three years has a name "dysthymia" which is just a fancy-pants way of saying chronic depression. It is not major depression it's just a constant sad, lonely and bad mood. But having chronic depression doesn't mean you can't get major depression as well. Yay!! I'm pretty sure I had both forms early this year and around May or June got it down to just the one. I feel a lot better than I did before but I still don't feel like me. It's no wonder my life has seemed so empty lately, I know I've felt "off" but I still don't know why but it has a name and I'm working towards a solution.

It feels like I live my life trying to walk through knee deep mud; everything moves quickly around me and no matter how hard I try it feels like I'm not moving at all. I do have moments of happiness, where I see what I'm not anymore...I miss me. Most people have moments of sadness and then they go on with their lives. The sadness...more hopelessness is constant. It scares my family members when talk about not having a point to life. I am NOT suicidal at all, rather I just don't think my life matters. It sucks feeling so worthless!

Now I am on my way to "finding myself" again. It's really hard for me to remember what I was like without reminders, because I honestly see only the negative about myself (past and present) and yet I am still able to see others in a realistic, balanced-sense. I really wish I was "normal" this sucks feeling like the littlest thing will crush me. I'm hoping the herbal remedy and therapy will work, I miss me.

I know this is heavier than me writing about a crush or driving but this my real everyday life. It's not the front I put on. Yes I like a guy but I'm a mess, I know that. I'd like to have me taken care of before I even date again...I want to date as me at my best. And as for the driving, it's been a critical step for me to face my fears, and with depression/anxiety fear runs rampant!

So this is my life, I'm hoping to get better, I can't go on drowning like this.

Something happy to end on: ------------------------------->