I've been punched in the gut...

By emotion that is. It has been a very long time since a felt so giddy and drawn to someone. I feel like middle school awkward and stalkery Jenni. I've had a draw to the same fella for over a year. The initial attraction stemmed from conversation, he actually "got" me, that turned in to a crush over time and now it's a mad-crush. He is so silly and kind but also he is so freakin' smart!  His nerdery is so ridiculously hot to me.  Anyone that knows me knows that I definitely have a "type" and quirky-nerd is it. My attraction knows no race or ethnicity, it only knows nerdery. Talk (smart) nerdy to me my heart skips a beat (not star wars or whatnot) and my crush is not just a smarty-pants but I find him to be very good looking.
I feel so silly but the rational part of my brain overpowers, I refuse to let my heart get away from me like it's done in the past. I can't allow myself get carried away with emotions like I know I am prone to do.

I need to stop this. Yes I like a fella but I only know a limited amount about him. What I do currently know about myself is I am not where I need to be in my life. Though I'm tempted to skip over me completely, I know I need to get my life in order. If after I've made it well on my way with my goals and the same fella is in my life, than maybe there is something to it. If not, well currently I'm to deep in the throngs of this crush to imagine the "if not".  But I'm not willing to settle for find a guy to be my next ex and I think without me taked care of, that's all I'll get at the moment.

Very Soon.

I've been out driving several times a week for two weeks now, I'm wanting to have my license by the second week of July...my instructor thinks by goal is a little unrealistic because I started out so afraid behind the wheel. I'm learning to drive out of necessity, I still don't get excited to drive but I need this independence. I want equality in any future relationships and my not having the ability to get myself around automatically give other people I interact with more power. I have gotten over the fact that I'm older learning to do something that kids I babysat do, I allowed my fear to cripple my progress, no excuses.

My overall mood is much happier and not the forced happy which is exhausting. I'm singing all the time again, dancing in the stores and generally being my totally shamelessly-silly self. I think the new found independence helped quite a bit. It's taken longer then I thought but I'm just grateful to not feel so out of it anymore. Nearly a year of being in a funk. I feel so relieved now! At the risk of sounding cliche, it's like a weight has been lifted and I'm seeing me again after being mostly hidden from myself for far too long.

Today

I'm feeling a lot better today. I just woke-up and thought I'm done looking backwards. I've done things out of order and I'm not where I planned to be, so what? I have today to change my life into what I want it to be. I still don't know my "dream job" but I know my strengths and weaknesses so that gives me a clue. I found a driving school for a old ladies like myself and will go in on Monday. I'm hoping to have my license by July. I just need to kind comfortable behind the wheel, I know I'll drive fine, if not a little slow.

So after I get the personal, driving, and career into place I can get settled in a home...in North Texas would be ideal. I miss my friends up there. If I can't move back there then I do plan on visiting a whole lot! I'd like to be with my people up there on my birthday, I'm not sure how likely that is though.

Do Over?

Do you ever wish you could go back and change things (actions or in my case, inactions) in the past? I think if I could have sucked it up and started driving years ago my entire life would have taken a different course. Now I'm just hoping to jump on that course and not look like the old lady I feel like sometimes. I'm so ashamed of my life as a whole...I have nothing to show for my 26 years. So what I have a degree, I now have a ton of debt, no car, home, nothing. I've thought about moving abroad, doing something big to jump-start my life. I'm 26 and living like an 16 year old but with more muscle aches.

How can I get caught up? I'm sick of feeling like I've already missed my life. It would have been a lot easier if I had stayed in the church. I feel like that church really crippled me but at the same time I've kept myself crippled since. It's so hard learning to live...I've never learned this part. I'm terrified. You may think it's silly, and maybe it is. I don't know why life's littlest things terrify me so much.

For another those that wondered, this is why I'm single. Why I have been for so long and why I will be; I need to learn to life, truly life on my own before I can add someone else into the mix. I stress myself out. I feel like I'm screaming at myself to progress, do something and yet, my body doesn't flinch.