what what...

I don't have anything exciting to say, it's a new year (and has been for nearly a month) and I started work at long last! I'm feeling genuinely happy nowadays. I'm still poor, still single, not much as really "changed" but I feel happy. It may sound silly but, meh.

I'm not really in a deep thought-provoking writing mode so this is going to be extra short.
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yep.
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BYE!

It's been a while

So much has happened since my past glommy post. I was trying was hard to minimise how I was feeling. If a told my self that my depression was only mild and was going away enough then it would be true...somehow. I ended up going to only a couple of therapy sessions and though I didn't connect that the therapist I did learn that my "mild depression" was severe clinical depression. I then started seeing a doctor to help me figure out what needed to change to get me to be me again. That was nearly four months ago and I'm doing so much better!  I don't start yelling and crying when I feel pressure, I don't hide inside all day long, I actually feel happy sometimes now. I now have my license and I got a job that starts next week. I'll be making decent money, save up  get my own car soon.

 I don't feel like my life is stuck in the mud any more and I never want to feel like that again. Last night I found a suicide note I wrote just in case I couldn't go on...that is not okay. I am better then those terrible thoughts I had. My brain was tricking me, telling me that I was no good. I hope that if anyone  reads this and feels like their life is stuck and worthless that you get the help you need. Life is a gift and every life is worthwhile.

I know my life is what I had planned but honestly I don't want what I planned when I was a teenager and I don't want what I had planned a few years ago. I'm learning to actually be happy with the life I do have and I'll see where it takes me.

Hell No!

I just weighed myself after months of avoiding doing so but noticing my clothes not fitting the way I like. I gained 12 pounds since march! I'm at the heaviest of my life and I am not happy about it. I've been depressed about every other aspect of my life I refuse to let my body go in the process! I will get back to my diet and exercise that I crapped out on before. I will not get out of shape anymore so then I am today!

~So no more soda for me. (I don't drink it much anyways but I'm giving it up now)
~Dramatically cut back sugar intake, I do love me some chocolate so I won't cut it out but I will limit it to one serving of chocolate a week. That sounds doable...hard but possible.
~I'll actually work out in the mornings again, set my alarm and go. I never want to work out but I never wanted to feel so out of shape either. 30 minutes a day to start but I'm hoping to get back up to an hour a day soon.
~I'll cut back my portion sizes and eat more balanced meals.
~Snack on healthy food only (only 3 times a day tops)
~I will document my food intake and take responsibility of my weight.  (not on this blog)
~I would like to lose 20 pounds but I'd be happy losing 15. I want my clothes to fit right and I want to feel healthy, I want to love what I see when I look in the mirror like I used too.

It's time for me to take back my life one thing at a time. I'll start with my body this week, my outlook and mindset starts next week and hopefully the rest will fall into place.

FRUITLOOPS!

I'm having a hard time thinking of a title that isn't the "F" word in all caps or "Go F-yourself"...that describes where I am best. I'm fine with the swears, especially for usages in self-expression but since my nephews are such great readers I think I shouldn't put them in bold as a title, even if that's what I'm thinking, loudly.

I called the number my Mom gave me a month ago to find a counselor, I got some names, have to call them and then call the other number again to tell them who I've picked and then set up my appointment from there. It took me a month to make that one call...two more seems insane! I know it's just a phone call, that's easy but it's not. It's so frustrating! I just want to be myself again, I'm so sick of this bullshit.

 I'm a walking talking contradiction, I know what needs to be done, I see how silly I've been but I feel like I can't move. I feel so fucking (sorry boys) annoyed with myself. I'm ashamed of things I'd done, said, as well as inactions. I feel like fear has controlled so much of my life that now I don't recognize myself. I used to be a hoot, now...not so much. I try so hard to be happy...it used to come easy, what happened to me? Where did I go? This sucks so much.

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming...

I'm working on what I know is an uphill battle and itself 100% internal. As much as I'd love to displace my blame the bottom line is I am the one facing my depression and anxieties head-on and it would do no good to blame anyone. I wake-up and have to just jump into the day otherwise I sink so easily. It now takes quite a bit to make me happy when I used smile and laugh all the time...I think. I honestly don't fully remember pre-depression me, my whole world is gray and black, nothing is wonderfully exciting but some things are terrible and bring thoughts of less pleasant things into my head.

I'm starting my counseling very soon and I'm hopeful. I want to be capable of true happiness again, I don't think I am or have been in years and if so I don't remember what it feels like. I have the goals of what I want out of my sessions in mind, I'm hoping I can be me again.

Question to the Universe...

Why is it that the only guys that show any interest in me are married or are in relationships? I'm not even remotely flattered by that. I find cheating to be disgusting and would never-ever knowingly play a role in an affair. Seriously, why am I attracting these guys? I hate it! I've liked a guy that is nothing like any of the guys that keep appearing out of the blue. I don't know what the future of my love-life may turn out to be but I do know that none of these guys confessing now have any real role in my future.

And so it is

My sister with her family came to visit last week and we had a blast. I feel like my energy level has increased, probably no one would notice the change but I feel it. I feel more awake and I'm wanting to go out again. I went for months where I didn't really want to go anywhere. I'm still not at my goal but I'm actually working towards it now, knowledge is very powerful and knowing why I was so down really has helped me fight it. I still get that stress bubbling in me telling me I'm not worth anything but I can fight that so long has I keep working on me.

I'm just the driving test away from having a license, I'm getting the mental stuff in check now it's time to face the scary financial monsters; I have student loans and whatnot. I don't require myself to be "cured" but I'd like to be moving steadily towards my personal goals. On top of that I have about 15 pounds to lose, I just need to stick with my diet and exercise this time around. I enjoy dancing and I want to improve my energy level so working-out is a must.

Like I've mentioned several times, I like a fella and I don't know what it means or anything but I know that his steadfast amicable and quirky nature is a force for me to "find myself" again. This crush I have could be a mental-ploy to get me moving or it could be genuine feelings either way I'm grateful to have felt a reason (beyond family pressure and internal nagging) to get me back on my feet, working towards a goal. Do I see any future with this crush of mine? Only in my dreams but I'll never know if I don't get me taken care of.