Dysthymia

Now I know how I've felt for nearly three years has a name "dysthymia" which is just a fancy-pants way of saying chronic depression. It is not major depression it's just a constant sad, lonely and bad mood. But having chronic depression doesn't mean you can't get major depression as well. Yay!! I'm pretty sure I had both forms early this year and around May or June got it down to just the one. I feel a lot better than I did before but I still don't feel like me. It's no wonder my life has seemed so empty lately, I know I've felt "off" but I still don't know why but it has a name and I'm working towards a solution.

It feels like I live my life trying to walk through knee deep mud; everything moves quickly around me and no matter how hard I try it feels like I'm not moving at all. I do have moments of happiness, where I see what I'm not anymore...I miss me. Most people have moments of sadness and then they go on with their lives. The sadness...more hopelessness is constant. It scares my family members when talk about not having a point to life. I am NOT suicidal at all, rather I just don't think my life matters. It sucks feeling so worthless!

Now I am on my way to "finding myself" again. It's really hard for me to remember what I was like without reminders, because I honestly see only the negative about myself (past and present) and yet I am still able to see others in a realistic, balanced-sense. I really wish I was "normal" this sucks feeling like the littlest thing will crush me. I'm hoping the herbal remedy and therapy will work, I miss me.

I know this is heavier than me writing about a crush or driving but this my real everyday life. It's not the front I put on. Yes I like a guy but I'm a mess, I know that. I'd like to have me taken care of before I even date again...I want to date as me at my best. And as for the driving, it's been a critical step for me to face my fears, and with depression/anxiety fear runs rampant!

So this is my life, I'm hoping to get better, I can't go on drowning like this.

Something happy to end on: ------------------------------->

I've been punched in the gut...

By emotion that is. It has been a very long time since a felt so giddy and drawn to someone. I feel like middle school awkward and stalkery Jenni. I've had a draw to the same fella for over a year. The initial attraction stemmed from conversation, he actually "got" me, that turned in to a crush over time and now it's a mad-crush. He is so silly and kind but also he is so freakin' smart!  His nerdery is so ridiculously hot to me.  Anyone that knows me knows that I definitely have a "type" and quirky-nerd is it. My attraction knows no race or ethnicity, it only knows nerdery. Talk (smart) nerdy to me my heart skips a beat (not star wars or whatnot) and my crush is not just a smarty-pants but I find him to be very good looking.
I feel so silly but the rational part of my brain overpowers, I refuse to let my heart get away from me like it's done in the past. I can't allow myself get carried away with emotions like I know I am prone to do.

I need to stop this. Yes I like a fella but I only know a limited amount about him. What I do currently know about myself is I am not where I need to be in my life. Though I'm tempted to skip over me completely, I know I need to get my life in order. If after I've made it well on my way with my goals and the same fella is in my life, than maybe there is something to it. If not, well currently I'm to deep in the throngs of this crush to imagine the "if not".  But I'm not willing to settle for find a guy to be my next ex and I think without me taked care of, that's all I'll get at the moment.

Very Soon.

I've been out driving several times a week for two weeks now, I'm wanting to have my license by the second week of July...my instructor thinks by goal is a little unrealistic because I started out so afraid behind the wheel. I'm learning to drive out of necessity, I still don't get excited to drive but I need this independence. I want equality in any future relationships and my not having the ability to get myself around automatically give other people I interact with more power. I have gotten over the fact that I'm older learning to do something that kids I babysat do, I allowed my fear to cripple my progress, no excuses.

My overall mood is much happier and not the forced happy which is exhausting. I'm singing all the time again, dancing in the stores and generally being my totally shamelessly-silly self. I think the new found independence helped quite a bit. It's taken longer then I thought but I'm just grateful to not feel so out of it anymore. Nearly a year of being in a funk. I feel so relieved now! At the risk of sounding cliche, it's like a weight has been lifted and I'm seeing me again after being mostly hidden from myself for far too long.

Today

I'm feeling a lot better today. I just woke-up and thought I'm done looking backwards. I've done things out of order and I'm not where I planned to be, so what? I have today to change my life into what I want it to be. I still don't know my "dream job" but I know my strengths and weaknesses so that gives me a clue. I found a driving school for a old ladies like myself and will go in on Monday. I'm hoping to have my license by July. I just need to kind comfortable behind the wheel, I know I'll drive fine, if not a little slow.

So after I get the personal, driving, and career into place I can get settled in a home...in North Texas would be ideal. I miss my friends up there. If I can't move back there then I do plan on visiting a whole lot! I'd like to be with my people up there on my birthday, I'm not sure how likely that is though.

Do Over?

Do you ever wish you could go back and change things (actions or in my case, inactions) in the past? I think if I could have sucked it up and started driving years ago my entire life would have taken a different course. Now I'm just hoping to jump on that course and not look like the old lady I feel like sometimes. I'm so ashamed of my life as a whole...I have nothing to show for my 26 years. So what I have a degree, I now have a ton of debt, no car, home, nothing. I've thought about moving abroad, doing something big to jump-start my life. I'm 26 and living like an 16 year old but with more muscle aches.

How can I get caught up? I'm sick of feeling like I've already missed my life. It would have been a lot easier if I had stayed in the church. I feel like that church really crippled me but at the same time I've kept myself crippled since. It's so hard learning to live...I've never learned this part. I'm terrified. You may think it's silly, and maybe it is. I don't know why life's littlest things terrify me so much.

For another those that wondered, this is why I'm single. Why I have been for so long and why I will be; I need to learn to life, truly life on my own before I can add someone else into the mix. I stress myself out. I feel like I'm screaming at myself to progress, do something and yet, my body doesn't flinch.

The story of Franklin and Mr. F

So this is what the fuss is about this whole "life" thing? I gotta say I hoped there would be more cake and moon-bounces. All and all though, it's pretty good. I'm still very much planning on moving back to North Texas ASAP. I miss my friends, my niece and nephews, the weather, the freedom and I ate way more cake there!

I've been thinking about fellas the possibles and whatnot; then I just think "meh." I've had a shocking number of guys I hardly knew appear and tell me all these great things about me...all of the aforementioned guys were in relationships. I do NOT play that game. I've been the one cheated on I will never even allow an appearance of shadiness so I maintain a distance from those guys. As for my own feelings I've felt the punch-in-the-stomach wow with one person in the past year. I think he's the bees-knees, especially since he knows I say things like "bees knees" and he still talks to me.

Why have I been thinking about fellas so much you ask? Well I'm a single gal that has been single for quite some time and now all of my best friends are in relationships. I feel like the last of the single people sometimes. It's a confusing and yet a totally honest feeling I've had lately; being genuinely happy for all my friends current happiness and on the other hand feeling (at times) completely left out. I want all of my friends to be blissfully happy, I just kinda wish I felt the same way but I know my time will come.

I've re-written my resume lately, in hopes that a bad resume was what was keeping from quality career-ish jobs. I'm sick of scam jobs and crappy retail jobs. I have so much experience and education I would totally hire me! That's enough of that rant. Well this has been a little random, just like me! And has nothing to do about my plants but Franklin and Mr. F are thriving.

About May 1st, 2011

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
--Martin Luther King, Jr

I am glad that no more people will suffer by the hands of Bin Laden but his death doesn't bring back any lives. I will not celebrate a death of a person, no matter how evil because I feel every life has value. Silly me, a non-christian thinking an often stated yet rarely practiced christian ideal is quite true: every life matters (or "we are children of God" as the christians often state). We are all interconnected, even the killers among us. Though the evil does need to be eliminated for the rest of us to live more peacefully, a death is never a time to celebrate to me. I opt to move on with my life and try to seek out more love and understanding in the world. Maybe I'm just a dreamer... 


"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." 
--John 13: 34


That's a good way to live life, with love leading the way not hatred or fear. 

I'm done now, that is  just my two cents.